Wedding wackiness: a royal review

Yesterday, 29 April 2011, Friday, it seemed All of Manila was determined to be in front of their TVs, PCs, and laptops at precisely 6 o’ clock in the evening to watch the much – awaited and much – ballyhooed “royal wedding” of Prince William of the UK to Kate Middleton, Baroness of Bucklebury…

It really was so funny:  royal wedding fever 2011 afflicted contemporary Manilans who absolutely had no connection at all to royalty, much less British royalty.  The nearest we ever got to having our own self-proclaimed Napoleon & Josephine were Apo Lakay & Inday Waray, and like their French predecessors in 1813, they too were deposed, in 1986.  And like their French predecessors in 1815, they’re plotting a big comeback in 2016.

At an important high society funeral mass yesterday, the “mourners” were busy exchanging notes on when, where, and how they would watch the royal wedding later in the evening.  Most were watching at home with family and sometimes with friends, some were going to the 5-star hotels, still others were going to the tonier malls.

“My Gawd… the British are such suckers for this sort of thing… !!!”

“Yes, and so are some 2 billion people around the world…  and that includes me and you!!!”

“Camilla the ‘Rottweiler’ looks more than ever like a nanny.  It should be Princess Diana in her place!!!”

“My… Prince Philip at 90 looks ready for embalming…”

“Mrs. Middleton should have worn a sash that said “WINNER!!!” in big bold letters, hahahah…”

“Look at Mrs. Middleton:  she’s just about to break into a great big smile!!!  I’ll bet she’s singing to herself:  “If my friends could see me, if my friends could see me, if my friends could see me… NOW!!!”

“Well, you could certainly say that Mrs. Middleton won the biggest lottery of them all!!!”

“Harry’s hair isn’t even combed… it looks awful!!!  I’ll bet they had a really wild stag party last night!!!”

“My Gawd…  Prince William is the Duke of Bald More!!!”

“You think he’s also balding down there?”

“There’s the Sultan of Brunei, Hassanal Bolkiah…  But that’s not his first wife… probably the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, whatever.  She looks OK.  His first wife looks like our ‘lavandera’…”

“Ah, the Princess of Thailand…  You could switch her with Ai – Ai de las Alas and no one would ever know the difference.”

“Is that Nelson Mandela in the background?”

“No, just some cheap black suburban nobody.”

“The music is beautiful but oh-so-boring…”

“Oh… there’s a ‘blackamoor’ in the choir…”

“Princess Anne still looks like a horse after all these years…  She now looks like an old racehorse.”

“Look how Harry’s hitting on Pippa!!!  ‘Hey Pippa, Wills kissed Kate, maybe I can kiss you… ???’ ”

“Quit knocking it, Harry!”

“Randy Andy’s 2 daughters look every inch as fat and unattractive as their mom Fergie…”

As Flora, the good fairy, sighed during the finale of Walt Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty”:  “Oh, I just love happy endings!!!”  [ Well, “happy endings” has an altogether different meaning these days, but let’s not get into that… ]

All I can say is that everyone likes a fairy tale…  !!!

Even I.   🙂   🙂   🙂


Booger Wonderland

During this inexplicably difficult time [ my astrologer assures me it will last until mid-May 2011 ] when some dear relatives and even dearer friends are very ill or dying in the best hospitals, dying in vehicular accidents, committing suicide in various, even chic, ways, being murdered in their homes and outside, I have not had much to smile, much less laugh, about.  As always, I’ve turned to religion for some comfort, and I’ve been cherrypicking my way through Roman Catholic, fundamentalist Christian, Judaic, Hindu, and Buddhist metaphysics looking for reasons why I myself shouldn’t jump out the window [ albeit a street level one ].  Just joking, of course.

So it was indeed a welcome break when my lawyer brother, his wife, and his three young, charming and alarming children took me along to dinner at a well-known Chinese restaurant in Manila.  Aside from having a strong “Chinoy” Chinese-Filipino [ usually Fookienese ] clientele, it is also a gathering place for the city’s Cantonese community, and surprisingly enough, even the Singaporean community.   The food is consistently excellent and never fails to satisfy, even satiate.  My brother ordered up a storm which included Suckling Pig, Peking Duck, Scallops, etc. and I was amused and gratified at how much his three young children could eat.

From where I was sitting in our round table, I saw a big Chinese gentleman in his late 50s take his seat at a table for four.  He was the first to arrive among his company and he ordered a drink from a waiter.  A few seconds later, he started picking his nose with the index finger of his right hand.  I immediately looked away, lest I be accused of staring.  But it was not easy to look another way because he was in my direct line of vision.  A few seconds later, extending the scope of his excavations, his arm assumed the 9 o’ clock position.  Apparently, he still couldn’t get to his coveted “treasure” because, after a few more seconds, he raised his arm further to the 10 o’ clock position!  He only stopped when a second, big Chinese gentleman, also in his late 50s, apparently his friend, arrived.  The first gentleman stood up and shook hands vigorously with the newly-arrived one and then both sat down to an engaging conversation, most likely about business.  They sounded Cantonese.  The second gentleman ordered a drink from a waiter.  But what really took the cake was that in a few seconds, both gentlemen were picking through their noses!  Hahahah!!!

It wasn’t the first time I’ve witnessed such a spectacle, since it’s a common practice, certainly not considered offensive, in Chinese communities across Asia.

I find it quite amusing, and I’m sure you do too.

Booger Wonderland.  Or as they say in Pilipino:  “Pangungulangot” or simply, “Kulangot.”   😛   😛   😛