Comedy relief: Signature bag

This true story was related to me last night and I just have to relay it to all of you because it’s just too funny…

To all the fashionistas and bagaholics and wannabes out there, this one’s for you…

In 2000s Manila, whether you like it or not, a woman is judged on first impression by her shoes and her handbag.  Pearls, even the vaunted 16 mm whites, have lost much of their stature in Manila because of the influx of hundreds of thousands of them in all imaginable sizes — with synthetic / plastic “seeds” — from mainland China through Muslim traders and widely available at the famous “Greenhills Tiangge.”  Owing to increased security dangers, Manila ladies have taken to the latest in sophisticated costume jewelry.  However, the really rich cognoscenti wear the exclusive and exceptional Fulco di Verdura jewelry, both the pre- and postwar originals and the contemporary reissues by Ward Landrigan’s company.  When one is very rich, or at least imagines she is very rich, “Hermes,” preferably a Birkin, is the required bag [ “Hermes” is now the preferred brand for handbags of Mommy Dionisia Pacquiao, prompting top fashion stylist Jude Lopez Mancuyas to quip:  “Well then, I don’t want it anymore.” ]  The senior ladies of established families have long preferred those of “Bottega Veneta” to go with their polo shirts, pants, and flats for casual lunches and afternoons.  Those from “Chanel,” “Prada,” “Valentino,” “Balenciaga,” “Alexander McQueen,” et. al. are the requisite bags of the “sosyal”…

A well-off, professional lady of Ilocano heritage in her early 40s, earning at least Php 400,000.00/xx a month at her firm, was spelunking one Saturday at the Greenhills “Tiangge” with a close gay friend, also earning a similar amount monthly at his firm.  The professional Ilocana lady could very well afford any of the expensive bags mentioned above but it just isn’t in her northern blood to do so, wisely preferring to invest her money in real estate and various financial instruments instead.  The close gay friend insisted that she finally buy a nice handbag, albeit fake, to replace the one and only bag she had been using for the longest time [ she is a thrifty Ilocana ].  She agreed excitedly and the two proceeded to search for the perfect handbag.  It was not long before they stumbled over a pretty, fake, brown “Louis Vuitton” with all those “L V” monograms.  However, the close gay friend roundly criticized the handles, the lock, the zipper, and everything else, and they were able to jew the Muslim vendor down to an unbelievably low price which pleased the professional Ilocana lady no end.  Afterwards, the close gay friend insisted that they proceed to a nearby posh mall where there was a repair shop known to bagaholics and fashionistas which could replace all the fake-looking parts of the bag to genuine-looking ones.

“Palitan niyo yung handles, yung lock. yung zipper, at ito, ito, at ito pa…”  [ “Change the handles, the lock, the zipper, and this, this, and this as well…” ] insisted the close gay friend, paying strict attention to the telling details.

“Opo.”  [ “Yes, Sir.” ] replied the repairman.

“At yung pangalan, huwag kakalimutan!  L V!”  [ “And the name, don’t forget!  L V!” ] emphasized the close gay friend.

“Opo.  Yung pangalan po?”  [ “Yes, Sir.  You want the name?” ]  asked the repairman.

“Yung pangalan!  Mismo!”  [ “The name!  Itself!” ]  emphasized the close gay friend.

The very next day, the professional Ilocana lady and her close gay friend excitedly picked up the fake “Louis Vuitton” bag at the repair shop…

Emblazoned across it in faux brass, plastic capital letters were “ELVIE”!!!   😛   😛   😛

Bwahahahahah!!!   😀   😀   😀

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