Probably because of all the shit that had happened since, I no longer remember why we were there at the Gonzalez mausoleum at the Apalit Catholic cemetery, just the two of us, my uncle Brother Andrew and I, one sunny, breezy afternoon sometime in the early 2000s… [ The venerable Brother Andrew Benjamin Gonzalez, F.S.C., 1940 – 2006, of the De La Salle / Brothers of the Christian Schools, longtime president of the DLSU De La Salle University in Manila ]
“You can just put my ashes [ half ] anywhere here… when the time comes.” Brother Andrew declared, a detectable gulp in his voice, as he surveyed the extension to the right of the old mausoleum, where the younger members of the family, his generation, were buried. “The other half will have to be with the Brothers in Lipa.”
“Well, why not just be interred wholly in Lipa? Why be ‘chop-chop’ like a pig?” I asked.
“Because none of you will visit me there, damn it!” he scoffed.
I laughed. “Of course we won’t, it’s too far! Besides, how would you know, you’d be dead, six feet under the ground, or six feet over, whichever…”
“I know!” he snapped with finality.
“Well, which half goes here and which half goes to the Brothers? From your head to your tummy here, and from your ass to your feet to the Brothers? Or the other way around?” I asked jokingly.
“It doesn’t matter. Some here, some there… Just do it, please!” he requested, his eyes wide with sarcasm and scorn for his wisecracking nephew.
“OK! Whatever turns you on, Brother.” I shrugged.
“OK. Where do we go to eat now? I had a lousy lunch! I’m hungry!” and off he stomped back to the car.
And with that query, we left the Gonzalez mausoleum at the Apalit Catholic cemetery.
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Some five years later in January 2006, Brother Andrew passed away of severe diabetic complications. That afternoon, my lawyer brother, his Korean wife, and I were enjoying the delights of the 168 mall in Divisoria for the first time. All those cheap and cheerful goods!!! At 4:30 p.m., my brother received a text message that Brother Andrew was finally dying at the De La Salle University hospital in Cavite. We immediately decided to return home to get organized. As we were driving along Quezon avenue in front of the Santo Domingo church at around 5:30 p.m., we received another text message that he had already passed away. I sighed, then continued looking at all the nice fake watches I had bought which I forthwith decided I simply couldn’t wear and would have to give away to our male employees… The guy’s dead anyway, what could we do about it?!
By that time, he had messed up family matters so badly — with not a little help from youknowwho, youknowwhotoo, and youknowwhoelse — that some of us, including yours truly, had simply eradicated him from our lives. Probably because of divine intervention, I managed to visit the dying man a few times in the hospital and actually be cordial, as if nothing bad had happened at all, which the poor man happily interpreted as “reconciliation” [ which it really wasn’t, it would take a longer time, but what do you do with a dying man? ]. We were still able to talk about some important things, but not all, before he finally “kicked the bucket.”
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It’s 2010 and I’m a very different person, sometimes unrecognizable even to myself. Gone are the kindness, innocence, generosity of soul that everyone who had known me in childhood could attest. Essentially. Then I finally realized, contrary to what I had been taught and had believed in all my life, that goodness has no place in this world where one must kill, in all ways, to survive. The danger is that the difference lies deep inside: the cynicism, sarcasm, vengefulness, darkness of the soul… although visible are the tired eyes, the sagging cheeks, the droopy smile, the weatherbeaten look of it all. I think evil of everyone, bolstered by the fact that I’m usually proven right as time passes. I prefer the Stepmother to Cinderella, Maleficent to the Three Good Fairies, Odile to Odette, Tosca to Violetta. They’re more fun!!!
What’s the point of visiting the dead family members during All Souls’ Day anyway??? Why all the pretenses??? Why visit the dead when the living detest and even loathe each other? What family? Are you to be considered family when you’re only all too willing to destroy the entire superstructure just to feed your sense of self-entitlement, simply because you feel outdone and disenfranchised by so-and-so, because you’re named so-and-so, the supposed favorite of so-and-so? What legacies? Are misunderstandings, arguments, quarrels, and protracted wars among family members considered legacies??? We might as well be all dead if that’s the case!!!
Last week, my sister made arrangements for the Apalit parish priest to say an anticipated All Souls’ Day mass at the Gonzalez mausoleum at the Catholic cemetery; she was the only one who attended. A few days later, my eldest brother, still hip and groovy from the non-trad 1970s, called my younger brother so that they and their families could make the trip to the mausoleum at the cemetery. What for??? Did they ever care for those traditions when they were still there? Why make a show of it now, now that it’s gone, for good??? What for??? As for me, I told them pointedly that since we could no longer have the traditional Capampangan breakfast at the old house in Sulipan / Capalangan, the least they could do would be to cart me off to the Pen, the Shang, or the Sofitel Plaza for breakfast, brunch, or lunch. “Antonio’s” Tagaytay would be nice. Other than that, please do not bother me with your inanities, I told them.
SHIT. Sartre would agree.