I don’t like receiving or making phone calls because — being obsessive-compulsive and manic-depressive — just remembering the millions of microbes on the phones makes me cringe and faint [ no matter how the staff swabs these with disinfectant morning and evening ].
I don’t carry cellphones because I have already lost four, although I have to get two soon — one low-end and one high-end — because my friends and business associates are already freaking out.
To add to my misery, I receive several phone calls from credit card and financing companies trying to sell me a credit card or some financial instrument that will only add more complexity to my already overloaded life.
After a series of such time-wasting calls, I decided to waste even more time and “turn the tables” on them…
I pretended to ask for a date from the woman.
I pretended to ask for a date from the man.
I pretended to be lovesick and asked for advice.
But the best time was when I was having one of those spectacularly rotten mornings and one of them called, yet again…
The secretary handed me the phone: “Mr. Augusto Gonzalez. From Nina.”
“Mr. Augusto Gonzalez? This is Nina from blahblahblah Banking Corporation. I would like to offer…”
*switches to “bitch mode”*
*switches to screeching voice*
“Hindi si ‘Augusto Gonzalez’ ito. Ito ang asawa niya. Ah!!! Kilala na kita… ikaw yung pinakabagong kabit niya!!! Yung galing sa ‘Pegasus’!!! Ikaw nga, ikaw nga!!! Hayup kang babae ka, patawag tawag ka pa rito… nanggugulo ka ng pamilya ng may pamilya!!! Teka, magkano ba ang kailangan mo para layuin ang asawa ko, ha??? Kaya naman kitang bayaran ah… mas mayaman ako kaysa sa lecheng asawa kong iyan!!! Hoy, tandaan mo ito babae, pag nahanap kita, isang bala ka lang!!!” [ “This is not ‘Augusto Gonzalez.’ This is his wife. Ah!!! I know who you are… you’re his latest mistress!!! The one from ‘Pegasus’!!! You’re the one, you’re the one alright!!! You animal, having the nerve to call here… you’re disturbing this family!!! Wait, how much will it cost for you to leave my husband, huh??? I can pay you off.. I’m richer than that as*hole husband of mine!!! Hey, remember this, woman, when I find you, you’re only worth one bullet!!!” ]
The woman was so stunned all she could say was “Hindi po!!! Hindi po!!! Hindi po!!!”
Beware of calling for “Mr. Augusto Gonzalez” offering him credit cards, bank loans, or whathaveyou. You’re in for a spectacular surprise… 😛 😛 😛
[ Of course this post is “politically / socially incorrect.” But why did I write it??? BECAUSE I CAN. 😛 ]