Bewigged, Bothered, and Bewildered

January 10, 2008 at 1:15 pm (Humor, Pampanga Cuisine, Random memories, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

Octogenarian Premiere Jeweler, in one of her diabetic mood swings, complained to her fiftysomething Mordant Nephew that She was losing her hair…

It was about time anyway, Mordant Nephew thought naughtily.  It was probably caused by all those fat-laden “Ensaimadas,” “Jamon Belota,” “Queso Manchego,” etc., etc., etc..  He himself was slightly ill with all the “Fabada,” ”Smithfield” Virginia Ham, and “Cabeza de Jabali” that were regular fare on his own table.  After all, Premiere Jeweler and Mordant Nephew, like all Capampangans, liked to eat… very well!!! 

At least, Mordant Nephew thought, it was a good excuse to finally have a bonnet studded with diamonds, big diamonds!!!  Even Imelda Marcos didn’t have anything like that.  At her late age, Premiere Jeweler could still look hip, as in “hiphop”!!!

“With all your money, Why don’t you have a wig made???  A couture wig???”  Mordant Nephew suggested to his Aunt.   

“I don’t want a wig!!!  It’s itchy!!!”  complained Premiere Jeweler.

“If you wear a wig, you could look like George Washington…”  added Mordant Nephew sweetly. 

“Hah???!!!”  She wondered aloud.  Why on earth should She want to look like “George Washington”???!!!

“Take note, I said George Washington.  NOT Martha!!!”  qualified Mordant Nephew.

“Puneta!!!”  swore Premiere Jeweler.

Bwihihihi…   :P    :P    :P

   

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Powerful Uncle

July 6, 2007 at 2:17 pm (Angst, Arnedo de Sulipan, Brother Andrew F.S.C. of De La Salle, Family Traditions, Gonzalez de Sulipan, Manila Houses, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos, Tristesse)

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Comedy Relief: “Lechon,” 28 June 1988

June 29, 2007 at 12:29 pm (Arnedo de Sulipan, Comedy Relief, Domestic Travels, Family Traditions, Humor, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, Religious Traditions, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

Speaking of the famous “fiesta” of “Apung Iro” / San Pedro / Saint Peter in Apalit, Pampanga… another funny memory comes to mind…

I have a Delightful Aunt, a first cousin of my father, who is charged by The Espiritu Family with the care of “Apung Iro” and the “fiesta” traditions.  Aside from caring for “Apung Iro” and his Shrine [ an 1870s "bahay-na-bato" bequeathed to Him by the Espiritu heiress who inherited Him from The Patriarch in 1905; it burned down in 2002 but the image of "Apung Iro" was saved ], my aunt has to supervise the feeding of some 10,000 ”devotees” of “Apung Iro” during the three day “fiesta.”  The “Caridad” [ Charity ] Tradition from the Spanish Era dictates that Everyone who comes to “Apung Iro’s” house must be fed, so that is how it has always been.

And so, Delightful Aunt is like a headless chicken during the three days of the “fiesta,” as She is besieged by thousands of ”devotees” [ actually devotees of food :P ] wanting to be fed.  Including Me.  And my friends, of course.

One memorable “Visperas” [ Eve ] of 28 June years ago, The Crowd swelled to unmanageable proportions and Delightful Aunt just had to hide herself because She no longer knew what to do with the Cast of Thousands besieging Her…  In fact, the 1870s house was shaking to the point of collapse…

She told my Good Friend and I not to get Food from the Crowd of Humanity-Infested Buffet laid out on the dining table, because She had Food reserved for The Family Members in, of all places, the masters’ bedroom…

So my Good Friend and I entered the masters’ bedroom where She was waiting for us.  It was mercifully airconditioned and a total relief from the humid, smelly air in the reception rooms of the old house…!!!

But where was The Food???

Delightful Aunt smiled, knelt, and lifted the cotton and lace skirting of the immense antique four poster bed.  With herculean effort, She pulled out a big, low table — actually an antique ”dulang,” the low dining table of the ancient Filipinos,  which required one to sit / squat on the floor to eat — and voila!!!  The Whole Fiesta Spread [ "hygienically" concealed below layers of oiled banana leaves ]!!!  And so She handed us plates and cutlery, and told us to help ourselves to the impressive buffet laid out just twelve inches above the floor.

Suddenly, Delightful Aunt stopped in her tracks and exclaimed:  “Ay!  Acalinguan que ytang ‘Lichun’!!!  Maniaman iya ytang ‘Lichun’!!!  ‘Native’ yng babi!!!  Saguli mu…” [ in Tagalog:  "Ay!  Nakalimutan ko iyong 'Lechon'!!!  Masarap yung 'Lechon'!!!  Native!!!  Sandali lang..."  / in English:  "Oh!  I forgot the Roast Pig!!!  The Roast Pig is delicious!!!  It's a native pig!!!  Just a minute..." ]

Delightful Aunt walked over to the tall and splendid 1870s “narra” “aparador” [ armoire ] of a long-decomposed grandaunt [ "Impung Pinang":  Dona Crispina Tanjutco y Sioco, + 1918 ] and opened it to reveal an entire “Lechon” on the top shelf.  *LOLSZ!!!*

Now, How’s that for “Fiesta Style”???!!!

Even Manila’s best Spanish Restaurants do not serve “Cochinillo en el Armario”!!!  [ Roast Pig in an Armoire ]

Bwahahahahah!!!   :P    :P    :P

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Catcalls

June 29, 2007 at 5:05 am (Domestic Travels, Humor, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, Religious Traditions, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

June 28, 29, and 30 of every year is the famous “fiesta” of “Apung Iro” / San Pedro / Saint Peter in Apalit, Pampanga.

As always during the “Visperas,” I was there with a small group of relatives and friends and we visited every single family which invited us.  That meant eating in every single house that we visited, which wasn’t a bad deal at all, because the tables of all Apalitenos, humble or prosperous, all have good food.

It brought back a funny memory…

In one of those “fiestas,” my group included a good friend — a particularly pedigreed, affluent, elegant, gracious, and witty gentleman with impeccable taste in Everything — who just happened to be gay.  He spoke with a fashionable contralto and had the poise of a Parisian princess in a Cristobal Balenciaga gown.  Indeed, we friends referred to him as “The Duchess of Windsor.”    

In one prosperous house that we visited, a six year old boy, clad in a tank top, shorts, and slippers, came up to us, pointed to him repeatedly, and squealed excitedly:  “Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!”  [ "Fag!!!  Fag!!!  Fag!!!" ]

Good Friend looked at him askance and lifted one eyebrow.  Then He continued fanning himself [ most elegantly ] with his antique ivory Spanish fan and chatting graciously with the other guests.

The little boy kept up his politically-incorrect catcalls:  “Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!”

Good Friend breathed deeply and glared at the little boy briefly.  He resumed fanning himself and chatting.

As we were leaving, the little boy squealed even more at Good Friend:  “Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!  Bakla!!!” 

Good Friend decided to give “as good as it gets” and with his arms akimbo, squealed back at the little boy:  “CHE!!!  BAKLA KA RIN PAGLAKI MO!!!”  [ "SHUSH!!!  YOU'LL BE A FAG TOO WHEN YOU GROW UP!!! ]

The little boy was shocked and cried out loud, loud, loud!!!

Everybody Laughed.

Bwahahahahah!!!

6 Comments

Food Chain

June 7, 2007 at 4:07 am (Arnedo de Sulipan, Escaler de Sulipan, Family Traditions, Gonzalez de Sulipan, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Quiason de San Fernando, Random memories, Reyes de Arayat, Rodriguez de Bacolor, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

All Pampangos in the Food Business are connected in one way or the other — that is, if they’re not related outright…

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When closeness is a gift

April 13, 2007 at 6:34 pm (Family Traditions, Gonzalez de Sulipan, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, Rodriguez de Bacolor, The Pampanguenos)

Every year without fail [ even during the Lahar years ] during Holy Wednesday “Miercoles Santo,” the old Rodriguez Family of Bacolor, Pampanga gathers the various members of their clan from near and far in an informal and affectionate reunion.  There is a nice Capampangan lunch prepared, and “merienda” as well.  In the afternoon, the ladies and their daughters occupy themselves with leisurely stringing the “sampaguita” flowers to be used on the Rodriguez family’s image and “carroza” of the “Misericordia” [ a miraculous, 19th century image of the Crucified Christ ].  At 5:00 p.m., the able-bodied family members accompany the image of the “Misericordia” on its 1920s silverplated “carroza” to the Bacolor Church, where it is the main feature of the “Miercoles Santo” procession.  After the procession at 7:00 p.m., the family members return with the “Misericordia” to the Old House and they enjoy a delicious Capampangan dinner, accompanied by more affectionate banter.  The older family members start leaving at 9:00 p.m. and by 10:00 p.m., the Rodriguez family calls it a day.

I find it remarkable that such closeness and affection exists in such a large clan.  Absolutely wonderful!!!

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Tres chichi

February 27, 2007 at 8:29 pm (Family Traditions, Humor, Manila Houses, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

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“Suspiros de Amor”

February 27, 2007 at 8:25 pm (Arnedo de Sulipan, Brother Andrew F.S.C. of De La Salle, Escaler de Sulipan, Family Traditions, Gonzalez de Sulipan, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, The Pampanguenos)

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“Talanca” / “Talangka”

February 27, 2007 at 8:21 pm (Arnedo de Sulipan, Escaler de Sulipan, Gonzalez de Sulipan, Manila Houses, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, Rodriguez de Bacolor, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

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Food discrimination

February 27, 2007 at 8:19 pm (Family Traditions, Humor, Pampanga Cuisine, Pampanga Traditions, Random memories, The Global Crowd, The Manilenos, The Pampanguenos)

31 May of every year is the feast day of “San Fernando El Rey” and it is the ”fiesta” of San Fernando City, Pampanga.

One of the two best tables of San Fernando belongs to a gentleman born to several of the city’s patrician families.  The other best table belongs to the grande dame of the city’s uberrichest of the uberrich old families.  The gentleman’s and the grande dame’s tables are renowned even in Manila.

The gentleman’s aunt is currently Manila’s preeminent jeweler.  When it is the town “fiesta” and she is invited by her nephew, she deigns to descend on provincial San Fernando from her North Forbes Park residence.  The gentleman can invite his aunt because his sprawling residence, as elegant and as urbane as any in Forbes Park, and his splendid table can parallel her own.

And so during one memorable ”fiesta” dinner, The gentleman seated his aunt in a secluded, elegant room with a round table along with several other prominent Manilans.  Because it was an out of town affair, she deemed to be casual with only a pair of large, natural Arabian pearl earrings and a 50 carat emerald cut platinum ring.  Nothing spectacular by her standards.

The food was served elegantly by the uniformed staff.  First came an assortment of starters.  Then soup.  Then the main dishes.  Everything was served on beautiful [ even spectacular ] antique English sterling silver dishes set on Belgian lace over large oval trays.  The gentleman, after all, had impeccable taste in everything.

All was well until the gentleman’s gay majordomo, in a gesture meant to charm the urbane and prominent city dwellers, laboriously brought in a Filipino style, immense wooden tray covered with banana leaves serving an assortment of freshly-grilled, first rate, choice seafood — lobsters, king crabs, large prawns, big “lapu-lapu” [ grouper ] fish — accompanied by various sauces of balsamic vinegar,  soy sauce, chili paste, shrimp paste, etc..

Preeminent jeweler’s eyes widened.  She turned pale with horror [ and embarrassment? ].  And she screamed:  “Aaayyy!!!  Ano iyan???!!!  Pagkain ng Mahirap!!!  Ayoko niyan!!!  Ilabas mo iyan!!!”  [ "Aaayyy!!!  What's that???!!!  Food for The Poor!!!  I don't like that!!!  Bring that out!!!" ]  She lifted her expensive, French antique ivory fan from her Hermes handbag and struck it repeatedly on the arm of the gay majordomo.

“Ay, sorry po!!!  Ilalabas ko na po!!!” [ "Ay, I'm sorry Ma'am!!!  I'm bringing it out already, Ma'am!!!" ]  wailed the gay majordomo, “Ilalabas ko na pooooo!!!” [ "I'm bringing it out already, Ma'am!!!" ]

“Ilabas mo iyan!!!  Ayokong makita iyan!!!” [ "Bring that out!!!  I don't want to see that!!!" ] she insisted, all the while striking him with her exquisite fan.

She stood up and decisively pointed to the door with her expensive fan.  “Ilabas mo iyan!!!  Dalhin mo iyan sa asawa ko.  Taga-Leyte iyan, lahing mangingisda!!!  Pesante!!!  Gusto niya ng ganyang pagkaing mahirap!!!  Kumakain ng ganyan iyan!!!”  [ "Bring that out!!!  Bring it to my husband.  He's from Leyte, he's of fisherman stock!!!  A peasant!!!  He likes food for the poor like that!!!  He eats that sort of thing!!!" ]

The other guests exchanged knowing glances with coy smiles.  After all, she was a lady who did not mince words, not even with her great friend, the former First Lady.

I didn’t think that anybody in this present day and age could still speak like that.  Wow.   *impressed*

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